Not-So Superheroes

Hey people! Here's an old article I wrote about superheroes pre New 52 and series reboots. So enjoy my old angsty self!

Like most American children, I grew up playing superheroes.  Sometimes I’d be the fearless Batman or your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man or even the Flash.  As I grew older, I kept my interest in superheroes because of the movie adaptations of the comic books.  However, I slowly began to realize how pointless some of these heroes are.  Let’s take Aqua-Man for example.  To quote Jeff Dunham, he has all the powers of the little mermaid.  Aqua-Man can’t do anything unless he is near water.  Even when he is in water, he has all his marine animal “friends” do all the fighting for him.  This leads me to the conclusion that not only is Aqua-Man useless on land, he is also a lazy bum of a crime fighter.  The only thing he could ever be useful for is helping struggling fishing villages by summoning fish.  Next up is Batman.  He is not a pointless superhero; in fact he is quite awesome.  He just has some flaws about him and his little world.  Number one, Batman has no super powers and his enemies do.  I still have trouble grasping the concept that Batman can easily beat Bane who can easily snap Batman in half.  Also, his enemies have more high-tech weapons then he does.  This makes me question how Batman can defeat Mr. Freeze and his freeze gun with a bat shaped boomerang.  Final thing about Batman: he is a Bruce Wayne, a super-rich guy.  Can someone please explain to me why a billionaire would spend a fortune on technology and fight crime dressed like a bat while he could easily hire someone or make a robot to do it for him?  If I was in Wayne’s shoes, I’d do that.  Finally, let’s talk about superhero names.  When becoming a superhero, one should name themselves something that fits their powers or past.  Names that work are Spider-Man and the Human Torch, who both have names after their powers.  Let’s talk about a few names that don’t work.  For example: Mr. Fantastic is not fantastic at all.  He has rubber-band powers and an ego issue.  Another example is Superman.  Yes he has many powers but Superman is a very uncreative name and he could have done better. So, in conclusion, what I've been trying to say is we live in a world with superheroes and not so superheroes.  And pray that the fate of the world does not lie in the hands of Aqua-Man.